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158 NW 91 Street, El Portal, Miami, FL

The End of an Era “MY WAY” being BIG of nothing was BIGGER than being nothing at all

Jazzar is proposing work from an artist book entitled The Rebirth
of Venus, featuring 32 essays, 32 collages, and 32 astrological

The following text is an excerpt from an artist book titled “The Rebirth of Venus” featuring 32 essays, 32 collages and 32 astrological charts.

The End of an Era   “MY WAY”   being BIG of nothing was BIGGER than being nothing at all

When I was young, to hide my insecurities, my lack of self-esteem, the ‘smallness’ I felt inside, I wanted to be BIG. I wanted to be BIG, BIG, BIG as BIG as I could. I wanted to be as BIG as the sun and radiate my BIGNESS to the farthest outskirts of the universe.  And because being BIG was not enough, I wanted to do something BIG, something bold, something meaningful, something that would make me proud, make me shine, make me loved, make me respected. I wanted to do something so BIG that it would fill out the emptiness I felt inside.

So early on, I set out on my journey. I knew I wanted to be BIG and do something BIG but I didn’t know what and I didn’t know how. All I knew was everything else; and boy, did I know it!  I certainly knew better than my mother and I knew better than my brothers, who were nonetheless much older than me but made terrible mistakes, in my own opinion. I knew better than our neighbor, who came over sometimes for coffee to discuss her marital difficulties. I almost knew better than my schoolteachers but still managed to learn a good deal when I attended class. Somehow in that setting, I was able to be still and listen to what he or she had to say. 

Because I was not listening to anyone else otherwise. Listening for what? I already knew it all. And since I knew it all, I was going to do things MY WAY, the way I thought would make me BIG and accomplish BIG things. And that way was not my school girlfriends’ way; oh, no, it was not. None of the little girls I knew would ever be BIG.  How could they? All these little girls wanted was to find a little boy to marry and have little boys and girls with them. What a life! I didn’t want to be one of those girls, and I sure didn’t want smaller boys and girls to impede my way. I wanted to be BIG and be BIG on my own, bigger than all of them put together would ever be…then maybe…in a distant future…once I reached my bigness…. I would meet a big boy with whom I’d do even bigger things and together we’d be the Biggest!  

 So I left school and moved to a BIG city. I had no diploma, but didn’t think it mattered as long as I had a vision and the will to achieve it. I did little jobs here and there, but quickly started my own business. I worked, worked hard, worked at it for a few years and did well but it was nothing BIG, nothing major, nothing that was making me proud, nothing that was making me be respected, nothing that was making me BIG the way I wanted to be BIG, and I understood right there and then that, where I was, nothing could ever be as BIG as I needed. So I closed the business and left. I left my homeland and flew to a BIG country. I moved to one of the biggest countries in the world, the country of dreams, the country of possibilities, the country that permits the small to become BIG. And lucky me, upon my arrival, I met some BIG people who showed me BIG in a BIG way. Wow, it was really amazing to see BIG incarnated.

Now I had no time to waste. So I started a new business and toiled again on my bigness. I worked, worked hard, worked at it tirelessly. My enterprise started to get really BIG. I was for sure on the road to success but for some reason, all of a sudden, this particular bigness didn’t appeal to me, I didn’t want to be BIG like that. No, I didn’t want to be BIG this way. So I stopped, ceased my activities, closed the business doors and moved onto something else, something new, something that would definitively make me BIG the way I wanted to be BIG and then, take me to my ultimate bigness.  So I started all over again and I worked and worked and worked and was getting BIG, BIGGER, the BIGGEST I had ever been. That was it! I was on MY WAY to BIG TIME!

I might make it sound as if it was easy to become BIG on demand but in reality the way to bigness was really hard. First, to be BIG, I had to make sure I wasn’t small. This was the number one condition and in itself, was a full time job. Small couldn’t be part of me, any part at all, so if small appeared somewhere, if I saw it or felt it, I had to shove it in a box and mail it first class to oblivion. That was the rule.  All of the smallness I felt inside had to be blocked immediately, pushed back, pulled down, deep down so I would never see or feel it again. And with practice, most of my smallness disappeared. This was a major accomplishment in itself because as I already mentioned, it took a lot of work. 

But getting rid of the small in myself was not enough; I had to ditch the smalls around me too. I cut them off from one day to the next, became aloof and distant, harboring a cold and stiff politeness, thereby appearing BIGGER in their smallness while intimidating those who would stick too closely on their own way to bigness. I was just freeing myself from their useless company in order to focus on those holding the keys to my next BIG step, who I then dumped after I had squeezed out all their goodies. Nevertheless I had to keep a few smalls around. To whom else could have I bragged about all my success?  They had to bear witness to my BIGNESS, and hear over and over about my prowess while still being able to stand being crushed when I was put down by bigger.

Yes, this was MY WAY in the old days, my cruel game in the workplace, the push and pull of the rat race; and it was fine by me, because all I wanted was to be BIG. 

©carol jazzar 2020

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